My last blog post titled “Protector/Protect Her,” talked about how I am a protector but I feel so loved when people want to protect me. God is my ultimate Protector, but I still desire to feel and experience it on earth too.
A while ago I prayed a prayer that men would be blinded to me until God said otherwise.
It’s a crazy prayer, I know. Pretty much the exact opposite of what anyone would want. But it was what I needed, and I knew it was a way to protect my heart while honoring future relationships.
I was fed up being seen through ungodly eyes, even by Godly men. We are all sinners, but I decided unless it was God’s plan, God’s timing, and it was going to honor the Lord, I didn’t even want to flirt with the idea of a relationship with someone who wasn’t God’s best for me. I’ve settled in the past, but I want God’s best, and I’ll wait for as long as it takes.
So I prayed that men wouldn’t see me as dateable unless God took off the blinders and said, “There she is.” What I didn’t foresee happening was God taking away all men in my life, not really even letting new ones come in as friends, and feeling like I was never truly seen.
It started when all my guy friends suddenly had girlfriends, which meant I didn’t belong anymore.
Then somewhere along the line I realized God had put the blinders on, meaning that even guys who could potentially be a friend literally couldn’t see me.
And because of that, I felt as though I was constantly being overlooked. Not worthy of being talked to, pursued, or invested in to get to know me.
The only way I know how to describe it, is how I described it to God: eyes will see me for a moment before they glaze over and slide past me, as though I was never there.
Now here’s the thing – I had asked for this. But I didn’t realize how much it actually hurt me until this past weekend.
Over the weekend I had an amazing opportunity to meet so many wonderful people. But for some reason the feeling of glazed eyes and blinders really hit me. I cried out to God. I didn’t need everyone to love me but what was wrong with wanting to be seen.
I felt like this blinders thing was a curse. God wasn’t in control of it and no man would ever care enough about me, whether as a friend or more than friends, because I had asked for blinders and blinders is what I got.
Then last night I was talking to a girl friend of mine when two men came up to us and started asking questions about what we were doing on our trip. They weren’t hitting on us, just genuinely curious. Right after they walked away, one of her guy friends who I had met and talked to a few times, came right up to us and immediately asked if we were ok. He had seen the two men possibly hitting on us when he was walking to the bathroom and ran right back because he was genuinely concerned about whether or not we were ok.
My mouth almost dropped at the love I felt in that moment.
Back in college I was being harassed by a guy, while a brother in Christ I was close with stood two feet away in a different conversation. I text my friend asking if he could help me. He text back saying, “You look like you’re fine.” When I questioned him about it later he told me it was my fault I had gotten myself into that situation.
Here was a brother in Christ who was supposed to care and protect me, yet he ignored my plea for help and blamed me for not being able to escape the harassment of a 6ft football player who was very, very drunk. My friend decided in that moment that I wasn’t worth protecting. And it hurt.
But now, a year and a half later – a guy who didn’t even know me that well – took notice of a potentially bad situation involving two sisters in Christ and made sure to stand by watching to make sure we were ok. And if we weren’t, he was going to do something about it.
I mean WHAT?! My close guy friend in college who I had known for three years couldn’t even do that for me, and here was someone I’d known for 48 hours who cared enough to just check.
Today I had a layover in Atlanta and when I was waiting for my bag another guy from our trip walked right up to me, introduced himself, asked if I had a layover, how long it was, and if I would be ok.
Again I say, WHAT?! Here was another guy, literally a stranger until he introduced himself, saw me alone, recognized me from our sessions, walked right up to me and just wanted to make sure I would be ok.
I mean… God is just so beautiful.
I was so hurt, so broken, feeling so unloved because of my prayer to not be seen by men until Gods time, discouraged because it looked different than I had expected and hoped for… And within 24 hours of each other, God momentarily took the blinders off two brothers in Christ to be messengers of Him to show me that He does in fact, hear us.
He heard my cry, He saw my desires, and He answered with love. For a moment, He allowed two different brothers to see me, really see me, and love me by being protective over me. It was beautiful.
Today God showed me a glimpse of His power and gave me reassurance that He is in control over this. The blinders and feeling of invisibility are not for nothing. He is carefully preparing my husband to be a man that never lets anyone harass me. Someone who will always protect me when it’s in his power to do so. Someone who is observant enough to look ahead and prepare, just in case.
A man who is aiming to look like Christ, my ultimate Protector.
My prayer hasn’t turned into a curse that will never end like I feared, but has become a gift He has given me until His timing is perfect.
P.S. Both those guys were from the South. Southern men know what’s up.
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