A Life of Freedom

(Psalm 143:5)

“I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.”

For years and years and years this has been my favorite verse in the bible.

I remember… I meditate… I consider… all that you’ve done.

Writing has always been something I turn to in times of joy, stress, grief, anger, happiness, and ultimately, just life. My entire heart is put into my journals, because it’s how I praise and worship and speak with God. The highest of my highs are in there. The lowest of my lows.

Most of the time I am a forward thinker. But at the same time I love history. I love to see where people have been brought from in order to connect and understand how they are now.

So every now and then, I’ll turn to an old journal and start reading to be reminded of where I’ve been.

Yesterday I picked up my first World Race journal.

I was blown away, and was definitely reminded how far God has brought me since then.

When I walked on the Race I was broken. Not that I am not still a broken sinful person now, but two years ago, I was a shattered mess. I was experiencing the pain and hurt and aftermath of not guarding my heart and body. I was in the midst of the harsh reality of my bulimia. I was a broken, sinful Christian girl who had put herself through fire, been walled up by the Lord in an effort to protect me from myself, and was stumbling out on the other side of the smoke crying out for God to save me once again. But this time, I was ready for Him to save me for good. To take my life and let it be all for Him, and for His glory.

And that’s exactly what He did while I was on the Race. He took my life, broke me until I was rid of everything society had made, and recreated me as He intended me to be. He showed me the innermost beatings of His heart, and placed those inside of me. He revealed to me what it means to deeply know Him, and be in relationship with Him. He strengthened me in Him so I could unashamedly worship Him, without fear or nervousness of performing for anyone. He opened my eyes to how beautiful it is to walk in His freedom and sing love songs to Him and only Him each and every day.

On the Race I forgave myself of the choices I had made in my past. I felt the Lord wash me clean with a breeze that wasn’t there in a room full of people, and obeyed when He told me, “Get baptized in Malaysia.” I was made new by the water and given a second chance at really knowing what it meant to be sealed with the Holy Spirit.

I confessed my darkest secret, bulimia, to my squad and they prayed passionately over me for freedom. I told my mom. God allowed me to stay on the Race and I was healed. The hold the devil had over my mind with food was released and I am no longer overwhelmed with those thoughts.

Every now and then I will experience shame and guilt. The enemy will speak lies to me about what my husband one day will think when I tell him everything about my past. The enemy will whisper lies about the things that aren’t ‘perfect’ about my body.

But those lies only happen every now and then. They are not my identity and they do not overtake my thoughts anymore. I am walking in freedom now. That freedom is a fact of life. It’s my testimony. It is my identity in Christ. And those truths far outweigh the lies that used to entangle me.

“I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.”

I look back on that girl in her first month of the World Race, who had nothing except the sin that was suffocating her to death, and I see the cry of her heart. The desperate pleas for a Savior. The frantic prayers for freedom.

AND HE HEARD ME.

I am free.

“I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.”

Up until yesterday I associated the World Race as something “I did.” It was an 11 month long journey that took me to 11 different countries with 40 different people. I saw and did amazing things and I wouldn’t change it for the world. And it was simply something that “I did.”

But it’s not just something I did. The World Race is a part of me. It is woven into my innermost being because God used the World Race to break me, grow me, change me, and recreate me. I am who I am because He used it, and for that, I am forever grateful of the Freedom He has taught me.

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One thought on “A Life of Freedom

Add yours

  1. Hey Christian girl,
    You are being transformed right in front of our eyes. Thanks for your candor, openness, reflection and love for everyone! Your love for Jesus and the life he has given to you is contagious in my life. Thanks for the encouragement. He is not done with us, is he? He is using you everyday, and transforming you to be better used for his glory and his purposes. Sooooo good to see!
    On your side and in Him,
    Pat

    Like

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