I love writing blogs.
It refreshes my soul.
But lately I haven’t had words to write.
Or rather, I’ve had too many but they’re not mine to share just yet.
The words “Mary treasured up these things and pondered them in her heart,” have been words I’ve wanted to emulate as I’ve walked life with the Lord. But it hasn’t been until recently I’ve had the strength to keep them treasured up in my heart to ponder them with Him and Him alone.
When I don’t journal I become lost.
When I become lost it’s because I’ve forgotten the words to pray.
When I’ve forgotten the words, I whisper and plead “Holy Spirit take my grumblings and make them a beautiful orchestrated prayer before the Lord’s feet.”
People say that I am patient.
But really I am weary and tired of trying to take control.
The depth of my sin is monstrous.
The cry of my heart is broken.
And only in times of separation from you do I see the reality of my sins against you. Only when we are distanced do my eyes see the beauty of who you really are. Which is just simply, you.
I compare myself to others and think I am better. Until I compare myself to others and see that they are actually far better than me.
I’ve always feared a wandering eye but recently I’ve started to fear that I’m the one whose eye is wandering.
I am called to be faithful to the one I have been called to. I see the beauty in it and become excited at the hope and possibilities in the calling.
But in the waiting I start toying with the wrong possibilities. I become distracted by the black doors that beckon with welcoming whispers of promises and lies.
I am not a woman who settles, yet I am toying with the settlement of the walk.
And it is only when I keep my eyes straight ahead on Jesus, and use His strength to keep my neck from turning to the right or to the left, that I succeed in the hallway He has set me in.
It is only when I keep my eyes on Him, that I walk in the unwavering assurance that
I am His.