My Highlight Reel:
Something I’m learning about myself is that I live & dream of my life’s “highlight reel.”
Whether it’s for an Instagram post, or something I firmly believe God will accomplish in my life or the life of someone else… I spend a lot of time dreaming about the future and the moments that will require a caption. The snapshots I’ll remember forever and will reflect on and tell stories about. The dreams that I can only imagine right now but know they can be accomplished one day in the future. The moments where I can look back and say “See, look at how good my God is. Only He could’ve accomplished all these things.”
I love dreaming of those days that are yet to come.
I also love history & reflecting on all that has happened. Whether to smile at good gifts; or praise that I am past that season. I enjoy remembering what I’ve learned and where I’ve come from.
So much so that:
I have over 15 journals
A 5-year memory book
Two Twitter accounts
& a “Memory Jar.”
Can you tell that I love keeping memories?
This all became a problem when I stopped acknowledging my struggles and sins and instead focused on the highlight reel that would come from it.
Ultimately, when I am in a tough season, I have no doubt that I will get through it [even if I don’t know how or when or what the purpose of it was] because that’s just what God does. He allows trials so we can grow stronger in Him.
So instead I begin focusing on those moments when I am already through it. Rather than choosing to stop to acknowledge what is happening in my life, and then run to the Lord full force to work through it, I skip the most important part… the growing & learning part… and instead just focus on the highlight reel.
“How will I share this at my bible study as my prayer request?”
“How can I make this into a blog to share about what I’ve learned through this?”
“What kind of caption can I put to a cute photo to let people know I’m struggling but keep the air of mystery until later.”
I very strategically don’t share everything with people. I very strategically share bits and pieces of my sin and struggles to give off the air of confession and acknowledgement of my sin, but in reality, I’m probably just withholding the bigger sins that I’m ashamed of.
“If I tell them this minor one… or don’t tell them everything about this bigger one, I can deter them from knowing the deep dark parts of my soul. And I’ll make sure to focus on the highlight reel, so that when I do share something, as I know I should, I can also strategically let them know I’ve already figured it out with God so they don’t think they need to help me or pretend they know how to fix the problem.”
It’s a very prideful approach to my life.
It’s caused me to judge others harsher than I judge myself because I don’t acknowledge and accept the weight of my own sin.
I stand there and tell others “Don’t give in to that, God has bigger plans for you,” while I’m actually doing the very thing I’m telling them not to do. I strategically ignore my own sin, look past it to the Highlight Reel, and pretend like I have it all figured out while I tell others how to live their life. All while judging others harshly, and living in the exact same sin as them, pretending like I’m not.
I’ve found I do it the most when I’m scared. Whether scared of being hurt, or scared of being found out.
So what do I do about this newfound realization?
Well the obvious thing would be to post a blog about it and how God has been revealing so much to me through this and I’m all better now because blah blah blah #HighlightReel
I can just simply say, I admit I do this. And I’m going to work on it.