This past Christmas I wrote a blog called Oh no, she’s awake.
At the time I felt asleep in my relationship for the Lord. That I was not preparing – or, as I’ve so fondly started calling it – sharpening my ax, for the things He has planned for me.
I questioned what I was missing out on by putting God second in my life, and ended the blog by declaring: “I want to wake up. I want the devil to fear me in my waking hours. I want the discipline to stand firm, the humility to fall on my knees and pray, the openness to listen and be led, and the strength to continue pushing forward and to stop sitting down to sleep.”
Sometimes I read prayers I’ve prayed and laugh at myself.
The devil has been attacking me hard lately. Specifically on Sunday. Even before opening my eyes, my spirit is downcast. My fire is extinguished, my mind a messy fog. And I spend the rest of the day questioning my worth, questioning my job, questioning my purpose in life, questioning everything.
The devil taunts me with gifts I’d lost, blessings I’ve pushed aside for the glory of the Lord, and dangles all that I am unworthy of in front of my face. I was overwhelmed.
People, including myself, always say that when the devil is attacking you hardest, it’s because you’re on the right path.
As I’ve sought guidance from the Word, sermons, journaling, praying, listening prayer, blogs… I am reminded of this truth. The devil hates when we are on the right path to bring God’s glory on this earth. And he will stop at nothing to derail us, and get us to take an “off-ramp” so that we will not fulfill all that God could do if we remained faithful.
The thing is, I don’t know what I’m so close to. I have no clue what path I’m on and why he’s attacking me. Nothing in my life seems to be lining up like how I thought it would, so where am I headed that’s so great?
But then I am reminded of my blog and my prayer that the devil would fear me in my waking hours.
And I laugh.
“I want to wake up.” – God woke me up recently and reminded me that I am a faithful, obedient, loyal, warrior daughter of the King, and to start praying like one.
“I want the humility to fall on my knees and pray.” – So I changed how I pray. I fall on my knees before the Lord daily, declaring His promises, partnering them with promises of abundance from His Word. I pray with boldness and fervor and passion, unashamed.
“I want the devil to fear me in my waking hours.” – These attacks only happen while I am awake and not distracted by the busyness of work. When I have a moment to breathe and be truly awake to my life, that’s when he speaks his loudest lies about my worth.
“I want the discipline to stand firm and the strength to continue pushing forward.” – Even when I am weak, He has been teaching me how to still choose Him above all else. To get down on my knees and pray even when my trust and faith waivers. Even when the enemy attacks and I feel trapped and like I’m suffocating, to declare His name and speak away the lies like how I learned in The Lies We Speak. To instead choose to trust Him to fight all my battles for me, and not rely only on myself.
And I laugh.
Because I wanted more of God. And He’s showing me Himself, but it’s not easy. But as always, nothing good comes easy.
In 2 Kings, Elisha had walked six years with Elijah before it was time for his calling. He walked those years in faithful obedience, learning and growing, so that when it was his time, he would be ready.
When the time came, Elijah asked if there was anything he could do for his successor before he left him.
And Elisha asked for double his Spirit. He asked for double the portion of the Spirit of the Lord that Elijah had. He wanted to do abundantly more, and knew he needed the Spirit of Elijah’s God for it to happen.
[2 Kings 2:9-10]
Elijah said to Elisha, “Tell me, what can I do for you before I am taken from you?”
“Let me inherit a double portion of your spirit,” Elisha replied.
“You have asked a difficult thing,” Elijah said, “yet if you see me when I am taken from you, it will be yours.“
And if I want to be like Elisha and receive double His spirit, I must be willing to walk through the wilderness of preparation for however long it takes, so that I can be ready to ask and receive His double portion.