Yesterday was the last day of April, which meant it was the last day of “Restoration” being my monthly word. I had decided I wasn’t going to put time limits on my words for the time being, since I don’t have set ones planned out right now. And I wanted to ensure that if I needed more time with a word, I’d allow myself the time to continue focusing on it for as long as I needed/wanted.
I didn’t know what May’s word would be, so I was planning on continuing “Restoration” as the pulse of my month until another word came up.
But last night I was talking to my roommate about things I’ve been learning lately, and how the Lord is testing me to see if I’ve learned from past trials and mistakes, or if I’ll make the same mistakes again. I’ve learned a lot, so I haven’t been going down the same path the enemy wants me to again. And I’ve been able to recognize when the attacks come, because they are identical to ones from my past [The enemy is not creative].
And it was brought up that I’m a very logical person. I can look at a situation or circumstance and understand, logically, that something is or is not as it should be.
And because I’m so logical, I am not used to emotions coming into play. So when they do, it becomes a war within me. The logic saying “This is right and good” and knowing it’s true… and the emotion saying “I don’t want to deal with this.”
So after we were done talking, I realized I wanted to be done cowering away and living in fear. I put tough things up on my Jericho Wall because I don’t think I need to live life dealing with certain attacks from the enemy. So I fight against them. The Lord created me to be a fighter, and that’s always how I’ve been. I fight.
So that’s where May’s word came from – Warrior. This month, I want to focus on being a warrior. A warrior who faces tough situations because I don’t need to live in fear of them. I don’t need to cower away from them. I am capable of loving and living in the midst of tough things through the Lord’s strength. Which He’s proven to me over and over again.
I went to bed excited and empowered at what the Lord could do this month. Because He’s so faithful in each word every month, and provides at just the right moments.
But when I woke up this morning, the dull ache of defeat and depression was back. The kind where the enemy doesn’t want me to get out of bed, and wants me to focus on all that is wrong or tough or hard, and remind me of how I don’t actually want to deal with it. And it’d be much easier if it could all just go away.
It was tough to get out of bed this morning.
There are certain songs that become a mantra in certain season. “New Wine” and “Seasons” by Hillsong Worship have been two of mine over the past couple weeks.
“New Wine” is what came on first this morning, and I laughed when I heard the words I already know by heart, but needed that exact reminder today.
In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making new wine
In the soil I now surrender
You are breaking new ground
He is making me into a new vessel. He is making me into something new. And He is making me into whatever He wants me to be. There will be crushing. There will be pressing. But I am a warrior. And through it all, I will surrender, so He can break new ground, and make me into new wine.