At some point over the past year, I stopped journaling.
I’ve always been super into writing everything down, in specific detail, no matter what, because I wanted to have everything documented. Every situation, every conversation, every emotion that was important to my circumstance at that time.
I loved it because when I’d look back on previous entries, I could see so many things.
Real pain. True joy. Amazement at the Lord. Connections and breadcrumbs to things I hadn’t noticed before. Or maybe I had and continued to see the Lord at work leading me somewhere in them. And I could see answers to prayers I had forgotten I’d prayed.
The only trouble with writing every little thing down… is that it’s the bad and ugly too. Which might mean pain later on upon reflection.
2017 was a terrible year. And at some point, I think I just mentally decided I never wanted to relive any of it again. So I stopped journaling.
I’ve done this before, and whenever I do this, it doesn’t feel like anything changes in the moment. But over time, I realize how much I NEED to journal in order to process and pray.
It’s my primary form of worship. It’s my way of taking my life verse – Psalm 143:5 – and putting it into practice daily.
I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
It’s where God and I really spend time together and hash it all out. Every.little.thing. No matter how big or small or dumb or important. It’s a space that is intimately meant for just me and Him.
So when I don’t do it, I feel farther away and very lost.
I really try to finish journals before I buy a new one, but every now and then I’ll just need a fresh start, so I bought a new journal the other night.
I started journaling again, and already feel more steady and secure.
I feel safe.
Because it’s the one place I can hash out the good, bad, and ugly thoughts, feelings, or situations without judgement or a need to filter anything. Even the stupid ones. Even the ones I wish I didn’t feel or think anymore. Even the ones that are annoying. Even the ones that aren’t important, but they’re on my mind so I want to get them out and written on paper before the Lord.
It’s a place where we can talk, and He can reveal, and He can comfort, and promise, and guide, and create a space where I am comfortable and trust Him. A place where I can lay it all down and get excited at what’s to come next when I release and He takes over.
It’s so important that we find how we feel most connected to God, and make sure we continue to do those things to remain in Him.
Journaling is how I feel safe and near to Him. And I think that’s how He’ll return the sparkle to my eyes.