A few days ago a friend of mine was really on my heart, so I text her to hang out. Last night we got dinner and before we parted, joked, “Maybe this was why God wanted us to meet up!”
We had just spent a good amount of time sharing similar struggles and experiences, ones surrounded with bold prayers and laying down desires, feeling that the Lord was blessing and honoring those things, but it not working out in the way we were expecting. In essence, being confused because the Lord is blessing and answering, but the end result is opposite of where we thought the blessings were leading.
It was a comfort to know I wasn’t alone.
And today as I continued to pray over these desires, laying them down yet again, and asking for clarity, another round of confusion swept over me.
“But Lord, look at all you’ve done. Look at the mountains you’ve moved. The miracles you’ve provided. The prayers you’ve answered. You knew my heart would think we were going in one direction. And if that’s not the direction we would land on, why would you bless me with those things and let me think those things?”
These questions once again ended with me questioning if any of it was actually from God then, and if so, what was God doing, and what did He want form me, and suddenly I just found myself praying in the midst of frustration: “Father, break through what is not you.”
Break through the fog.
Break through the confusion.
Break through my thoughts that are constantly circling around and around trying to understand.
Break through anything that is not of you.
Break through those things, because as you break through, you will reveal. You will reveal yourself and you will reveal clarity to me. Because you are not a God of confusion or distraction.
You will once again be at the forefront of my mind as I struggle to keep you there. These thoughts, these desires, these confusions, they are all distractions because I can’t figure them out. I can’t figure out what you’re doing, because I’m not in control. You are. And while I am in a constant struggle to keep you at the forefront of my mind, I’m going to fail.
I will always fight. You created me to be a fighter. I will always fight to keep you my #1. But sometimes, my fleshly desires get the best of me.
So in those moments, I need you to break through for me. Because my heart wants you and only you. And sometimes I need help keeping you there.
Lord, break through.