Greed —> Coveting —> Idolatry.
“People get pretty upset when someone messes with their idols.”
Father? What am I coveting? What have I made an idol in my life? What are the things I want more than you sometimes?
Father I feel like I just wanted a miracle. I wanted something that was filled with restoration and redemption. And I wanted it to look a certain way. All answered prayers and opened doors pointed to that as the outcome.
You didn’t have to answer my prayers. You didn’t have to open those doors.
There have been many times you haven’t answered prayers and you’ve kept doors tightly closed under lock and key. And in those times it’s been evident and clear we were not headed in the direction I originally thought/hoped for.
But this time, this time was different. You were answering prayers. You didn’t have to do that. You were providing miracles. You didn’t have to do that. So why else would you answer my prayers and write the story out this way, if not for the ending I thought it was pointing to?
But apparently the ending I thought was coming, is not really the ending at all. You wrote out a different ending that I was not expecting at all. And I’m mad.
I’m mad because I am washed clean and I am made new. You have redeemed and restored my life. You have provided miracle after miracle in certain relationships so that they could also have restoration and redemption. But I thought it was going to turn out a certain way. All doors were opening and I thought they were opening in a certain direction.
But here we are, at the end of the hall, and the door I thought would be the final piece, is still locked. And it’s locked tight. That door was going to be the final piece of the puzzle. That door was going to be the piece that allowed me to declare and proclaim that 100% restoration and redemption IS possible in you Father. Because look how God has redeemed my past.
But that door isn’t opening. You haven’t changed that side of things. That door still holds onto the past as if it’s an absolute indicator of a potential future. So while I am completely new and washed clean and am white as snow in every circumstance of my life – apparently there’s this one part that has not been redeemed. It has not been restored. At least not in the ways I’d hoped.
The past is still a reality behind that door. There is still bondage to old ways behind that door.
And although I was mad last night and I was mad this morning – maybe what you’re really doing is protecting me from that door. Because it’s not new. It hasn’t been washed clean or given new eyes to see through like I have. It’s still holding onto the old ways. The false ways. The past ways.
And although there is newness and those things are no longer reality, redemption hasn’t come there. And if redemption hasn’t come there, then if that door was opened for me, there would be only hurt and pain. Because I would be compared to and held to the standard of my past. Even though I haven’t walked in those ways for over a year and a half.
But if there is a door still holding me to a sinful standard, and those eyes are not washed clean to see me in my entirely new self, to see the entire circumstance and situation in the newness it has changed into, then maybe I do need to be protected from what’s behind that door. Because maybe it would cause me to question the newness God has actually given me. Maybe it would cause me to question if I actually am clean.
God, thank you for protecting me from the hurt that lives behind that door.
If you wanted to wash that door clean and give it a new pair of eyes, you would. But I’m not banking on it. Not because I don’t think you COULD. That’s what I’ve wanted you to do and believed you could do this entire time. But if it’s a locked door, it’s not mine to unlock. So I’ll go find myself another door that is unlocked and ready for me.